10 Things I've Learned from 4 Years of Marriage

10 Things I’ve Learned from 4 Years of Marriage

I don't often write about my marriage. In fact, I don't think I've ever written about it.

But Ashley and I have one of the best marriages. Though they may not admit it, I'm pretty sure most of our friends wish they were us.

It takes work, but it's also pretty awesome.

Ellory and Ashley Wells

Ashley and me on our 4th anniversary

While Ashley and I have been married for only four and a half years, we've been in each other's lives for almost twelve. We met at Baylor a few weeks before classes started our freshman year, and have been friends for (almost) the entire time.

Just because it hasn't been all roses and kittens, I do feel like we have a wonderful life together and have a solid partnership.

To give you a peek behind the curtain, I thought I'd share some things I've learned about being a good husband and a lifelong partner.

10 Things I've Learned from 4 Years of Marriage

Be assertive.

Don't be a wallflower. Have an opinion, share it, and be open to feedback from your spouse. One of the many things I love about Ashley is that I can ask her questions and get an educated and thought-out response. We bounce ideas off each other all the time.

Nobody's right all the time.

One of the reasons our marriage is so solid is that we really are partners. Ashley doesn't get her way all the time and neither do I. If that were the case, either we'd have big screen TVs in every room or closets full of barely worn shoes.

Every time I hear someone say something to the effect of “the woman is always right” I think, how stupid. You may disagree, but to me, that sounds childish. Ashley and I respect each other too much to give in to the other one all the time just because they get cranky or whiney. Be adults, have respect, live happy.

Talk to her & pay attention.

I need to do a better job of paying attention. I think we all do. Stop reading your RSS feed for half a second, put down the phone, and have a conversation.

Have you ever met a couple who didn't communicate?

I have. They didn't last long.

Bring her in on every decision and value her input.

I'm so lucky to have married a smart woman. Well, in truth, it's not luck; it was planned. I wouldn't have married a person I couldn't count on and trust.

Ashley and I talk about most decisions and we value each others' opinions. Though we think very differently, we use our differences as assets when it comes to making decisions. She sees things I don't see and vice versa.

Make her feel special.

If you're doing the other things on this list, this one will be a given. Make time for date nights, and make your spouse a priority.

Spend time together, but not every waking moment.

We spend time watching TV, talking and even playing a few video games together.

A while ago, I made the decision to spend more money on activities Ashley and I can do together and less money on things I'd end up doing alone. I'd recommend doing that if you find you're constantly buying things you know you'll end up using by yourself.

Spend time with one another but give each other space. We both enjoy watching TV, but she has her shows and I have mine.

Take vacations together.

If you have kids, this would be much more difficult. However, with planning and putting a little thought into it, you could make it happen if you wanted.

A couple of years ago, right after buying my new(ish) car, Ashley and I took a road trip east to the Great Smokey Mountains. The trip took four or five days and it was awesome! We ended up spending more time in the car than we did at the hotel, but it was a blast.

Include her in your hobbies, activities and adventures.

I'm definitely not suggesting you have to do everything together. In fact, I think spending every waking moment with your spouse is a huge mistake.

That being said, including Ashley in the development of my business, especially my podcast, has been one of the smartest things I've done in a while. Her feedback is insightful and her ideas help me out a ton.

If you include your spouse in what you're doing, your chances of success are much greater and you're much more likely to enjoy what you're doing.

Love her for who she is, not what she could (or should) be.

If you go into a marriage thinking you're going to change the other person, you're setting yourself up for failure.

Think jumping out of an airplane without a parachute kind of failure.

Think trying to stop a train with your car kind of failure.

It won't work and you're going to get everyone hurt in the process. While I do believe people can change, it's usually not because their spouse convinced them to do so.

Don't marry someone you don't like.

We've all met them – the couples who should never have gotten married in the first place. Maybe its money, lust, or the fear of living alone any longer, but some people should never marry each other.

I'm so thankful I like Ashley and she likes me. I enjoy being around her, talking to her, and hearing about what she's up to.

They say

Opposites attract.

However, they also say,

Birds of a feather flock together.

Don't build a marriage based on clichés. Marry someone you like.

Lastly, as Jim Stovall said on my podcast, this life we're living isn't a test run. We only get one shot at it. Make the most of your life and your marriage.

Question: What has been your key to a happy marriage?

 

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  • Barb says:

    Great article. I had the pleasure of meeting you and your Dad the day after Ashley met you. It makes this mother’s heart proud to hear not only the love but the admiration that you have for my daughter. Here’s to many more years!

  • Barb says:

    Great article. I had the pleasure of meeting you and your Dad the day after Ashley met you. It makes this mother’s heart proud to hear not only the love but the admiration that you have for my daughter. Here’s to many more years!

  • Good post, Ellory! I enjoyed this. I have been married for 18 years and you are right on with your comments. My wife and I were friends before we were romantically involved.

    One thing to keep in mind in marriage is that you both change over the years, and the woman you married will not be the same woman a decade or two after that. (Same is true for you.) I love your point about loving the person for who they are, not for who they could be.

  • Good post, Ellory! I enjoyed this. I have been married for 18 years and you are right on with your comments. My wife and I were friends before we were romantically involved.

    One thing to keep in mind in marriage is that you both change over the years, and the woman you married will not be the same woman a decade or two after that. (Same is true for you.) I love your point about loving the person for who they are, not for who they could be.

  • What I have learned is: when you disagree, focus on protecting your relationship, not on protecting your own pride.

    Great lessons Ellory.

  • What I have learned is: when you disagree, focus on protecting your relationship, not on protecting your own pride.

    Great lessons Ellory.

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