How to Say “No” Without Feeling Like a Jerk

Has serving the needs and wants of others taken over your life to the point where you can't get anything done? Have you been putting your own plans on the back burner for far too long?

If you can say yes to either of those questions, you're not alone.

I've coached dozens of people over the past three years who have faced similar challenges in their life. They want to serve others, help out family and friends, but they feel somewhat unfulfilled because they never have time to focus on what they want to do.

It's not them being selfish, it's them having a goal and wanting to go after it.

I want to share some tips for getting back some control over your time and help you say “No” without feeling like a jerk.

You want to be helpful. You want to make a difference, and you don't want to be known as the person who says “no” to everything. Maybe you can relate to the lives of a few of my friends.

Jeff – The social 20-something

A good friend of mine, Jeff, is always helping everyone. He's extremely social, a solid networker, and excellent at setting up events. He's so good that people come to him to set up parties and social get-togethers all around town.

Jeff came to me because he wanted to make a change in his career. He wanted to shift from his current day job to helping people with their finances. He was passionate about helping people become debt free, invest in the future, and plan ahead.

A worthy goal!

But Jeff has a problem. His problem is he says “Yes” too much. He says “Yes” to every request made by other people and never says “Yes” to himself.

Ron – The generous church-goer

A colleague of mine has stretched himself thin. Every request that comes across Ron's desk gets the stamp of approval and his calendar is filling up fast.

From early morning to late at night, Ron is serving other people. He works at his church, he helps with the services, and he coaches and counsels people in the community.

But Ron has a similar problem! He says “Yes” to the requests of others without ever saying “Yes” to his own goals.

Ron never takes the time to help himself.

Trisha – The over-worked single-mom

A client of mine, Trisha, is completely overwhelmed. As a single mom, she works two jobs and comes home exhausted.

She wants to be a great mom, and she is, but she's never able to take time for herself. Trisha has big plans for her life but never has time to pursue her dreams. She's running around trying to be everything to everyone.

With duties at church to taking care of her children, Trisha struggles to make time for herself.

Why You Should Say “No” More Often

Each of the stories above are true. They're about real people going through real life and facing real challenges.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a fan of the phrase,

A jack of all trades, and a master of none.

If you try to do everything, you will never be good at anything (Tweet that!).

If you try to serve everyone, you will end up serving everyone but yourself (Tweet that!).

We have to learn to say “no” to the GOOD things in life so we can say “yes” to the GREAT things in life (Tweet that!).

Each of my friends mentioned above are great people. They have awesome dreams that, if realized, would help a lot of people.

However, they've gotten caught up thinking that if they turn people down, they'll be a bad person.

But there's something they're failing to realize, and you might be missing too. By saying yes to every request, they're doing more harm than good.

To be successful, you must be intentional with your time. You have to budget your schedule just as you'd budget your money, and you have to be a good steward with what you have.

How to Say “No” Without Feeling Like a Jerk

During the third episode of my podcast, Dan Hayes gave me some incredible advice about how to say no.

When I asked him how we can say “no” to the requests of other people and take back control of our time (at around the 38:50 mark) without feeling like a jerk afterward, this is what he suggested.

Tell them,

For the next few months, I'm happy to help how I can. But after that, I've got to focus on some things I need to work on. 

By following Dan's advice, you can still help people but you give them a timeline. You also let them know there are things on your plate you need to address or goals you need to pursue.

An Interesting Thing About Sharing Your Goals

One thing I've learned about sharing your goals is that you gain more out of sharing than the sharing itself. By sharing your goals with people who care about you, you have an opportunity to gain their support as well as their accountability.

If your friends and family know what you're up to, they can provide resources and connect you with people who could give you a hand. They can also check in on your progress and keep you accountable.

Like Jeff, Ron, and Trisha, if you find yourself with too much on your plate, I hope this helps.

What you're working on is important. The goals you want to achieve are worth pursuing. The dream you have in your head is worth going after, even if it means saying “no” to some of the other things you've got on your plate.

I hope you go after it!

Question: What is one thing you've taken on that you know you should say “no” to? You can leave a comment below, or send me an email privately by clicking here.